Windy’s Blog

So I’ve been going on interviews and still searching for a better job because, although I like my present one, it doesn’t pay enough for me to actually live on. You know what I’m saying?

A position became available for an HR manager with the company I am currently employed by, so I figured, hey, I’ve got all those years of HR experience. It would be good to stay with the same company. When I applied for the position the current HR manager was happy. I know this because she said to me “Oh, I was hoping you’d apply and I’ve already talked to Corporate about you!” So I figured I had a pretty good shot at this job, even though they are accepting applications from outside the company.

But last night I went to work and my direct supervisor said some things to me that had me wondering. This is the same guy from the Go-Go Dancer blog from a little while ago. He’s the one who always praises my work.

Now, I know that he hasn’t been feeling well, and sometimes the things he says are odd (like the Go-Go Dancer comment) but the first thing he said to me was “Did you hear anything about the HR job?” I told him I had just applied. He said that he knew and then he brushed his hands over his face and said to me “I know, and I was (pause) shocked to hear that.”

I’m thinking “really?” how shocked could you be? But I didn’t say that to him.

He continued to say “is there anything you want me to say on your behalf when they ask me about you?”

I was taken aback by the question and then he said “well, think about it.”

I then told him of my prior experience in HR and he said “but do you have any Massachusetts experience?” And of course, I said “no.”

“Well, if I were you I’d go and get Massachusetts HR for Dummies and read through it. They will grill you in the interview.”

And then I’m thinking “well, OK.” But I left work last night really down. I got the vibe from him that he didn’t think I had a chance in hell of getting the job. Maybe it was his mood (or even mine) but now I was the one who was shocked by his reaction. Maybe he was put off because I had applied without telling him first, I don’t know.

So then I started to let his words get to me. Maybe I am not qualified. Maybe it’s a joke for me to even apply. Maybe the job isn’t right for me anyway. I was really in a “funk” when I got home from work last night and even woke up feeling “down.”

Then I had to knock myself in the head a little bit, until I realized that I cannot let this one man’s comments affect my life. So what? Yeah, maybe I won’t get the job. And that’s ok. But maybe I will.

I had to remind myself that I do not live by man’s words towards me. As a Christian, I live by God’s words toward me. And they are many.

I live by the word that says “with men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

I live by the word that says “for I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

And not just a few thoughts does God have toward me, but He has many. So many that “if I should count them they would be more in number than the sand.” (Psalm 139:18)

So I had to remind myself of those precepts this morning. I had to ask myself  “are you really going to let one man’s words affect you so much that it will spoil your day, even your week?”

I had to tell myself, “no.” I will not let this one man’s comments get me down. Perhaps he is right and I need to study up on HR law in Massachusetts. So be it. Maybe he is correct and I am truly not qualified for it. Big deal. I will stay until something better comes along.

But what I will not do is to allow the negative vibe to overtake me. Because if I should do that, then I am giving myself up to chaos. By focusing on God and His promises toward me, I am giving myself up to peace. That peace of God which passes all understanding. Some would call it faith.

And yet, like a worm, the man’s words keep crawling into my brain. I have to keep pushing them out. I have to keep replacing those “you can’t do it” type words with “Yes, you can” words. This is a battle of the will, and a test of my faith in a way. And it’s all ok.

Because at the end of the day (like now, as I’m writing this blog late at night) I am still a Christian. I’m still just a woman on a journey. Whether I work at my current job or not, I am still a child of God. My salavation was bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ. I’m still here on this earth for a reason.

And nobody can take that away from me.

Absolutely nobody.

The other day I was driving to church and thinking about voices. Now, before you think I’ve totally lost it, please read on…

I was thinking about when I was a kid and my Mom would call me in that voice that meant “oh boy, I’m in trouble now.” You know that voice, when your Mom yells your FULL name including your first, middle and even last name. As if she needed to do so. I mean, really, she named me, so she knew my entire name. But whenever I heard CYNTHIA ANN, I knew I’d better run and not walk, but get to her immediately. Something was wrong, and it was probably my fault, and I might be on my way to major punishment, but I still had to go. NOW. Her tone of voice demanded my attention. And if I had any sense at all, I’d better take heed to that voice.

I was thinking on my drive to church, that since as Christians we believe God is our Father, then He can also have that parental voice. We just have to listen to it and obey, which of course, is the hardest part. But when we know because of the Holy Spirit, that it is God speaking to us, we’d better run. Just as we ran to our parents as kids, as fast as we could, to their feet and face the consequences.

But I was also thinking about how the child’s voice sounds to the parent. Although I am not a parent, I know my nieces’ and nephews’ voices and would recognize them anywhere. If any of them shouted “Aunt Cindy!” I would drop everything and run to them. I’ve always been their protector, since they were babies. You don’t mess with my nieces and nephews or else you face the consequence of….Aunt Cindy.

I know my nieces’ and nephews’ voices when they are happy and when they are sad. I know when they are in distress, or when they are grieving. When they suffer heartbreak, my own heart breaks right along with them. I know their voices….

So as I was driving to church I thought about how God, as our parent, knows our voice. When we praise Him, He hears our voice. When we pray, He listens. And when we scream out His name in distress, He comes running.

 And then I thought “maybe that’s what we need to understand.” Our individual voices are unique, but God the Father knows each one of us. He knows because we are His children. How many of us are missing out on God’s blessings and help because we simply remain quiet? Perhaps we need to let God hear our voices more often.

All of these thoughts ran rampantly through my brain on the short drive to church last week. And then within ten minutes my “theory” was challenged.

The offering, which is usually taken at the end of service, was taken in the beginning of service this week. I pulled my money out of my pocket and quickly flipped through the bills to find the $5.00  that I knew was tucked away amongst the others.

Then I heard it. God’s voice telling me “Uh, Cindy, you need to give the bigger bill.”

And right there in church, I’m arguing with God. “Oh, Come on!” I said “You’ve got to be kidding me! I need that money to pay bills and I have to go to breakfast after church” and so on and so on. While this struggle was going on within me, I thought maybe I’d said some things out loud. But my cousin, who was standing next to me, did not look over at me, so I’m assuming all of this arguing was going on silently. Phew.

Then I heard that voice again. “You want me to hear your voice when you call Me, but you won’t listen to Mine?”

How could I possibly argue with that question?

Bam. That’s how God speaks to me. And there it is.

So, very quickly I put the $ 5.00 bill away and placed the large one in the offering bucket. God made His point and I had to obey.

And that’s what it is to have a relationship with God. Not just a religion, but a true relationship. A communication that actually involves dialogue between you and God. We talk, He listens. He talks, we listen.

There have been times over the last eight years that I have cried out in total anguish to God. But there also were times when I didn’t want to hear His response. I didn’t want to listen. After my brother’s death, there were times when I shut down the two way communication because I was angry and hurt. But God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that about me. I wasn’t keeping anything from Him. He understands it all.

And now that I’ve been participating in those dialogues again, I’m getting more peace about some things. It’s as if God has said “Oh, there it is. I hear that voice again! I know that voice, it’s my child!”

What is it that you are struggling with? I advise you to keep those lines of communication open. If it’s been a while since you’ve heard God’s voice, try to listen. Pay attention. And know that when you speak to Him, He will know your voice as well. And just like a parent knows a child’s voice, God will hear you. And He will listen when you speak.

The other day I was sitting in my car at work, listening to the radio and eating lunch. My “lunch” break is usually around 5:30 p.m.

Over the last week I’ve blogged about  some “signs” that God has shown me. He’s been meeting me right where I am while I’ve been thinking about Him.

So there I was the other evening, staring aimlessly through the windshield of my car when the song “Breakeven” by The Script, came on the radio. I listened to the lyrics “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing,  just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in,” and was thinking “how sad.”

Then, in my doubting kind of way, I just kind of put it out there, you know, that thought “God, you really do exist, don’t You?”

I wasn’t asking for a sign. It was just a sort of  “contemplating my universe” type of  thought. A fleeting thought while eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and listening to the radio.

But then something made me turn my head and look out of the driver’s side window. And this is what I saw:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

The picture doesn’t really capture the trueness of moment. There were no other clouds in the sky at that time. I looked up to see that huge cross strewn across the sky, as if just for me.

And once again received a confirmation: yes, God does exist.

Yes, He can meet you wherever you are. Whether you are simply watching moths in the rain, or doing your job, or eating your lunch.

So, yeah, I do feel sorry for the character in the song who prayed to a god that he didn’t believe in.

Because, I believe. And when I pray, my God answers me.